I Need You More

Filed Under (Philip) by Susan on 22-09-2008

I need you more, more than yesterday…

That is another beautiful chorus that goes like this:

 I need you more, more than yesterday
 I need you more, more than words can say
 I need you more, than ever before
 I need you more, Lord, I need you more

Those words could sum up my heart the past few weeks.  There is so much to share.  I’ll try to space it over a few entries!

First off, life has been rough.  In spite of using the CPAP at night, Philip continues to have periodic struggles with his breathing.  He is rolling around at night, sitting up in his sleep trying to breathe with the stinky mask on his face. 

I’ve had words with God.  I just did not know what to do.  I try to adjust his mask, reposition Philip, hold Philip, but nothing helps.  Finally, I guess in desperation I broke down before God.  “Would you just give me a sign, just show me that you know we are here?  Just do something, anything?”


There was nothing.  Sure weekends are filled with messages, prayers, friends, radio ministries, devotions that all minister to me, but nothing helps at 3a.m. when you are desperate for an answer.

 I can’t quite explain it, but I know there is a greater good to come out of all this suffering.  Two things I was reminded of: Worship, healing can take place any time.  I expect those to occur during a time of worship on Sunday morning.  However, if I’ve not lived with the expectation on Monday to Saturday, how can I expect God to work just when I worship on Sunday?  Worship is a lifestyle.  May God give me a steadfast spirit, a right spirit to worship daily in every choice, every decision, in life every day.

Second, I watched a cartoon version of Abraham and the sacrifice of Isaac with my children yesterday.  It all kind of clicked when I thought of Abraham’s act of worship in sacrificing his son of promise, Isaac.  Wow.  What faith in that man!  I wonder if Sara knew that the Lord commanded Abraham to sacrifice their son?  The promised heir?  Yet, Abraham knew God had a plan for Isaac.  He knew the Lord would provide the lamb to be sacrificed, and that he and Isaac together would return from the mountain afterwards.  God is in control.  I pray that my faith, my trust may increase in these days, knowing the promise that is to be fulfilled in Philip’s life.

May God bless you and give you strength in this new week.


He Holds my Hand

Filed Under (Philip) by Susan on 06-09-2008

Well, here marks the one month anniversary to one of the most difficult months in Philip’s life.  I was thinking it over this week….  If I could just turn back the clock!  And just change my mind about Philip having the nasopharyngeal flap repair!

I know what you are thinking!  Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good…”   Siiigh!  Remind me of that at 2a.m. while I watch Philip struggle to take a breath.  Philip had a sleep study last week, and the specialist who read us the report said that he stops breathing about once every minute.  Talk about being scared to sleep!!  Philip did respond well to a CPAP, a mask that fits over his nose and mouth to bring him oxygen and help him breathe.  Now, how do you get an 8 year old to wear it? Pray for us, we’re trying to “con” him into thinking he’s a fireman, an astronaut, whatever it takes to make him think wearing his mask is a cool thing.

Well, like any “normal” mother, I just had to sit and cry over the whole situation.  What I wouldn’t do just to turn back the clock. 

I was reminded, then, that even here God is holding my hand.  I cannot see Him, I cannot hear Him, but I know He is with me.  Someone asked Philip if he remembered having tubes on him/in him and the scary moments after his surgery.  He said, “No, I just remember God was holding my hand.”

I cannot understand the whys and wherefores, but I know my God is holding my hand.  He promises to never leave me or forsake me. 

May God bless each of you!